did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
