Yo dont text me then not text me
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Ambien. No doubt about it.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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