dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
