So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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