Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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