This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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