woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
