i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
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