Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
