I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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