It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
