You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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