I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
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