I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
