I faked an abortion last night.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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