ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
