And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Randomize
