I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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