Cold hands, warm shart.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
