Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
