i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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