Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
