Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
