I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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