dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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