Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
