I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Randomize
