Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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