Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
