i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
