Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
