you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
