I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
