New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
