community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
