Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
