You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
