My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Randomize
