im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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