Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
