I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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