I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
