Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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