For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
