As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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