Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
