I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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