Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Randomize
