So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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