I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Someone came in the potted fern
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Randomize
