Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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