Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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